October 7, 2006 – Kenya -  The Hard Way

     As I have come to understand it, there are 3 basic guides to keep on us on the path.  The primary, and perfect guide, are the words God left with us to provide us with direction.  The Bible is a perfect instruction manual for maintaining the course we were intended for.  If we follow this manual to the letter, we are guaranteed never to leave the path.  Because so few, if any are able to consistently follow these instructions, we have been given a few back up plans. 

     The second guide we are provided with are mentors.  Each of us are provided with parents, grandparents, teachers, pastors or friends – all of whom share with us from their experience, the “dos” and “don’ts” of staying on the path.  They try to teach us from their experience what has caused pain and discomfort in their lives so that we can avoid making the same mistakes, and suffering the same consequences.  They also tell us what has brought peace and joy to their lives in hopes that we will make similar choices.  As I understand it, this actually works for some people.  

     I personally happen to fall into the third category – personal experience.  Some people just have to experience everything by trial and error.  Often times we even “try and err” the same thing over and over – so sure that the end result will change, and “our” way will work.  I was very well mentored as a child – yet I still picked my scabs – and got infections, played with fire – and got burned, rode my bike down “killer hill” and broke both arms, told lies – and dug myself into bottomless pits.  As I grew older I was warned of the dangers of drugs and alcohol.  I had to see for myself.  My experimentation led to “self-managed” full-blown addiction, which yielded years of pain, shame and loss.  I was told that certain friends were not true friends, but “bad influences” or that I had chosen a partner for the wrong reasons.  I would pursue them anyway. Each and every time these relationships ended in failure, heartache and betrayal.  I interpreted warnings as challenges – I thought, “this must be really good, and they just don’t want me to experience it” – I’ll call it “the forbidden fruit syndrome”.  Right down to “close cover before striking” – it was pretty much assured that if I was told not to, I did.

     I was given the same set of instructions to stay on the path as everyone else – probably better than most – but didn’t listen.  I had to wander and hurt to learn.  Sometimes, I had to hurt a lot to learn.  I had to skin a lot of knees, scrape a lot of elbows, eat a lot of crow, and bruise my spirit over and over.  I think we have all experienced this to some extent – some more than others.  Why is it that even after years of disregarding wisdom, and suffering consequences – I still do it?  Stubborn and thickheaded come to mind immediately – but I think it’s just the way we are each “wired”.  It doesn’t make us bad people, and perhaps even makes us better mentors.  We learn differently – some the easy way, some the hard way.  I have earned my Masters and 3 PhDs from the University of Hard Knocks – and still run with scissors.

     I have always had the gift of discernment – that “gut” feeling.  I know the difference between right and wrong – I know this is a good idea or this is a bad idea.  I’m usually a pretty good judge of character – I can tell if a person’s motives are sincere or evil.  I hear the voice inside that says, “don’t go there”, the problem is I don’t always listen.  I get the directions – just don’t always follow them.  One of the most important things I have learned on this journey is the value of listening.  I’ve been given a gift – the ability to hear – it’s pretty foolish not to use the gift – not to listen.  The hardest part for me has been learning to trust the voice of the Spirit.  The “voice” is none less than that of God Himself speaking to me through the Holy Spirit.  I have yet to see a vision through a burning bush, nor have I been to a mountain and given tablets of stone.  I guess I expected something much more grandiose than a “small, still voice” if God wanted to talk to me. 

     While still in Tanzania, I was asked to travel to a town called Morrogorro to visit and evaluate an agricultural project.  I was to travel with a doctor and a pastor – what could be safer?  The Spirit said “Not a good idea – sit this one out.”  My free will over-ruled – I went anyway.  Long story short – it was an ambush.  The doctor wasn’t a doctor, nor was the pastor a pastor.  There was no agricultural project.  There intent was to rob and kill.  So now I’m in the middle of absolute nowhere – with 2 thugs, and very sudden knowledge of the change in plans.  Amazing how receptive I became to the voice of God – “OK God, I’m listening now– I’m really listening!” 

     I knew better – heard the voice – went anyway.  Knock, knock puddin’ head.  The Spirit does not forbid – it advises.  I am given information on which I will base a decision.  Ultimately the decision is always mine.

     More recently a group called FarmAfrica invited me to a village near Marsabit.  Again, I heard the voice say – “you’re tired, you need rest – take a rain check.”  I actually listened.  Yesterday – when I was to be there, 17 people were killed and many more injured by the machine gun fire of Ethiopian rebels who attacked the village to steal livestock.  They shoot and kill as many people as they can to make the theft and escape easier.  To the best of my knowledge, none of the FarmAfrica staff were injured – but certainly in the thick of it.  I listened to the voice – could I be catching on?  There have been many more far less dramatic examples during the course of this journey.  It’s all about progress, not perfection – and I do believe I have made progress.

    The same Spirit that told me to come to Africa 6 months ago – has now told me it’s time to go home.  I’m beat-up - in body, mind and spirit – and in dire need of rest.  I have so many questions for God – I’m not done yet, what about Sudan and Malawi?  What am I going to do when I get home?  Where will I live, where will I work?  What do you want me to do with all I have witnessed?  I haven’t fixed anything!  Have I failed?  The concept of going home seems scarier than that of coming here.

     I cradle my head in my hands, and as fear, doubt and all of my questions quiet – the voice returns.  “Please – trust me.  You followed me 10,000 miles across the world into the absolute unknown.  Each day in this strange land I have provided for you – food, water, shelter, medicine and good people.  I have always provided for you – why do you still doubt?”  My peace returns as my will retreats.  I’m coming home.  Each of my questions and concerns will be addressed – in His time.  Turn the page, I can’t wait to see happens next.

Shine!